The Unfairness of Having a Conscience: Ullaththil Nalla Ullam

Conscience is cruel– it is unforgiving, not amenable to any apologies– sort of a Professor Snape wth his piercing, emotionless eyes.  The diabolically evil, unrepentant souls rest assured in their perverted sense of righteousness. Be it the Nazis, who attempted to cleanse their nation of their "racial inferiors," or the ruthless aggrandizers, who don't hesitate to eviscerate the community financially, clothing their naked ambitions in the garb of capitalism, they seem to be unaware of even a whisper from their conscience.  And yet, the very same inner voice becomes an unbearable scream to the solitary traveler on the path to self-improvement.

The noblest of hearts weighed down by guilt, squirms in moral misery. This seeming injustice is highlighted by Kannadasan in his song, உள்ளத்தில் நல்ல உள்ளம்... Ullaththil Nalla Ullam

உள்ளத்தில் நல்ல உள்ளம்

உறங்காதென்பது

வல்லவன் வகுத்ததடா , கர்ணா,

வருவதை எதிர்கொள்ளடா

That the purest of the hearts

Doesn't rest well

Is fixed by the Skilled One, Karna,

Behold what is to come.

Stars were aligned to create an immortal moment of magic– the grand stage of Kurukshetra, the mythical characters of Lord Krishna and Karna, the majesty of NT Rama Rao and Sivaji Ganesan, who were the closest to royalty of 20th century South Indian cinema, the heart-rending rendition of Sirkazhi of MSV's magical melody, and to cap it all– the inspired genius of Kannadasan. It is a privilege to be familiar with the Tamil language and our hearts plumbed to its depths by this song.

Karna was not a perfect man– Unlucky? Most certainly: denied of his legitimacy, derided by his peers, disrespected by the public. Political expediency had created a friendship with Duryodhana. Misplaced loyalty had resulted in Karna not only accepting, but also actively encouraging and exhorting his friend's repugnant acts. An emperor should have been, a mercenary had become.

Karna lay sprawled on the lap of Kurukshetra, braced against the wheel of his chariot. His heart had been pierced, both physically and metaphorically by the arrows of Arjuna, his brother, and bitter rival as also history's anointed hero. The proud embers of his spirit, however, refused to die down. Unsurpassed martial skill, unfettered courage, unparalleled acts of charity, and unflinching loyalty had come to this– all because of a debatable sense of ethics.

The valiant warrior who had battled and overwhelmed his opponents had to feel a sense of remorse for his share of mistakes– the indefensible attempt to publicly disrobe Draupadi, the lying to Parasurama, and the slaughter of Abhimanyu.

It is easy to blame circumstances for our acts– it is easier on the soul. It is the handiest tool in the drawer to white-out our dark spots that are too stubborn to erase. The conscientious few are painfully aware of their blemishes, even if they are unseen, considered irrelevant, or, surprisingly, admired by others.

Humans are mortals; to live is to be pock-marked by our decisions. Perfection is never accomplished. Yet, the striving for perfection is enjoined upon every one of us by our scriptures. Once a seeker sets out on this path, he is verily a saint.  To be led by the Divine, to walk along, the soul has to be ready to give up its attachments, both tangible and intangible, to the mortal world.

The noblest of the chains tethering us to the cycle of births and deaths is the sense of comfort that we feel in our own virtues (Punyas); it leads to smugness resulting in spiritual complacency. Many a seeker considers them as the positive balance in the spiritual bank. They are considered the currency to enter the gateway of heaven. According to our scriptures, even these are considered temporary. The ego is forced to crash back into the mortal world from the heavenly worlds upon exhaustion of these Punyas– क्षीणे पुण्ये मर्त्य लोकं विशन्ति

Sins and virtues are, no doubt, very useful coordinates in the initial part of the spiritual voyage. But, to reach the unchartered land of Immortality, the brave traveler has to abandon them. If he needs help in doing so, the Lord with His infinite compassion comes and rip them off, to lead the soul to immortality.

The Lord adopts any role in leading the sincere seeker– be it the role of a son (Yasodha), a friend (Sudhama), a lover (Radha). Why not a cheat? வஞ்சகன் கண்ணனடா!  Assuming the risk of being caviled as a crook that would plunge to any depths to help his friend, Arjuna, Lord Krishna sets out to offer the highest possible gift to Karna- liberation from the cycle of births and deaths. As He advises Arjuna: போற்றுவார் போற்றலும் தூற்றுவார் தூற்றலும் போகட்டும் கண்ணனுக்கே

Let all praise and insults go to Me (Lord Krishna)

Lord Krishna, assuming the form of a poor Brahmin, approaches Karna and asks for his Punyas as charity. It is a tough ask– Karna had lived his entire life based on a few simple premises, one of which being an unfailing commitment to charity.  As his life draws to an unfulfilling and disappointing end, cursed by fate and plagued by ill luck, all he can look forward to is a better providence in his next birth as a reward for all his good deeds. Even that opportunity would be lost if he were to donate his Punyas.

Karna, however, takes the giant leap of faith and is unafraid to renounce his attachment to even his Punyas. Knowing fully well that it is Krishna who has come in disguise, unhesitatingly, he acquiesces to the Lord’s solicitation. In return, he gets rewarded with the divine vision of the Lord in all His glory– the Viswaroopa Darsana

सर्व धर्मान परित्यज्य मामेकं शरणं व्रज

अहं तवां सर्व पापेभ्यो मोक्षयिष्यामि माशुचः

Renounce all dharmas and take refuge in Me alone. I shall liberate you from all sins; grieve not (Gita XVIII: 66)